Updating this from Four Seasons Sayan in Bali, the hotel is just gor-ge-oussss!! And we've been upgraded from a suite to a villa with our very own private plunge pool!

Waiting for the room to be ready for us, and I'm typing this in the hotel's library.

These days I find myself getting stressed faster and feeling more dependent on people. I don't know what's gotten into me for feeling this way- the higher dose of med shouldn't be causing this right?

Maybe it's just PMS.

I've been blogging alot these days, wonder if that's a good or bad sign.



I'm feeling so bad turning down so many people before I leave this friday for vacation; my colleague who wants me to help her through a breakup, an old friend whose shopping advise I'd like, my family whom I've missed since I wake when they're sleeping and I go back when they're also asleep.



So many things to do, so little time to finish it...

I am tired.

Know how all of us live with a certain amount of anger and discontentment?

I know I'm reaching my limits soon.

Just because I am younger than the rest doesn't mean that I work like a machine. True, I can probably endure back to back schedules better but I should really like to have a rest so that I don't die too early. I would like to be able to at least produce some grandchildren and pass down my beloved items.

Yet I don't want to make things difficult for my manager. I find myself cursing more and more.

I wonder why nowadays, things of the past comes back to haunt me in my dreams. I can't sleep properly. I'm missing people and living my days in regret.

Where is my peace?

My blog died for a long period of time and has been revived now. Hopefully.

Festive period is chaotic. So how did I find the time to blog? Out of sheer randomness, taking the chance that I am alone in the shop having rushed and finished almost everything that needs to urgent attention at the current moment.

It's amazing how nasty some people can get, those you will only see when you step out of school. They twist and manipulate their words and I cannot say anything to defend myself unless...

it is my last day at work.

That's the damn part about service industry. I need a Sucking Up 101 Lesson.

At the mean time, I'm hoping real hard that my body will maintain. I'm really tired, I'm on the verge of getting sick but I cannot afford an MC. It would be at the expense of others and I know they are as tired as I am, juggling work life and personal life (or trying to have a life after work). I'm just pushing myself as much as I can.

After all, I'm young only once. I want to do as much as possible before my body can't keep up with my dreams anymore.

Do you know how I managed to pass my o'level? I read my mum's diary. I know I'm not suppose to...but reading it (even if she doesn't write simplified chinese...) and getting to know her hopes, dreams and, well, feelings. I felt so inspired to make her proud. I still am, I keep driving myself to do better and make my parents proud of me. They are not talkative or full or praise really, and I have always craved that real open feeling from them; maybe that's what's driving me. Somehow, my parents are human, they're awesome people and I couldn't ask for better parents like them...but I wish they were more humane in expressing themselves. In all my...20 or so years of life, the words I've always wanted to hear is, "mum and dad are so proud of you." Really, I don't need the three letter words because their actions tell me everything.

I remembered I was so stressed up about maths that I told myself if I open that slip of paper and I did not pass, I would jump right off my block.

I think I am still traumatized by that period of time, all that 8am to 8pm studying with friends and myself, locking up in my room and looking through my homework, wondering if I really can cram all these stuff inside my head. I mean, will my gray cells explode from overstuffing?

But really, thank God that I made it through. Otherwise, I wouldn't be writing this at all. I think if I ever made that decision to end everything, I would be disappointing my parents and myself.

You know how terrible it is when you can't think of anyone that loves you when the night gets too long?

It's paranoia.

It's really insanity.

And I'm battling that everyday.

Well, on days I'm not too tired that I fell asleep once my head touches my pillow. Maybe that's why I'm so medicated.

Now that I am older, have I become more stupid? I find myself making too much impulsive decisions. One day my hair is freaking short- just to my earlobes. Now, my hair is down to my waist. Waist horh, not hips. What's up with this? But I feel the shorter my hair, the smaller my self-confidence. So now I can sashay and flick this long human hair of God knows whose around and try to feel pretty.

Geez, I've never had hair this long. It's damn heavy.

As my power to spend grows, has my head gone somewhere else? But you know, youth is just once and there's so much I want to see. I keep telling myself I have to save but I guess having a savings plan and looking for an investment plan has gotten me pretty arrogant about my spending power.

Someone please knock me back to reality.

But then, a girl can dream right?

I have been conceited. I told myself I will be true to everyone. Even this blog, I will write only the truth, I won't cover up myself just to be 'correct' and 'holy'. I was so occupied with the truth that I forgot...some people will not be able to handle the truth and are not ready to hear the truth. So what if it is the truth? Perception errors can occur, maybe that's why the Christianity is divided into so many branches.

Suddenly, I feel betrayed. But yet, that goes to show that I am still childish and stupid for feeling this way.

I thought I'd feel ashamed but strangely, I feel humbled. Maybe it's just that I'm numbed and the reality of it hasn't hit home yet. Or that I'm not allowing it to hit home?

I'm relieved the words came from another's mouth. Had it come from my own, I wouldn't have forgiven myself for giving up so easily what God has entrusted me. But perhaps this has caused my downfall instead, this prideful attitude, a sad excuse to justify my own actions and behaviour.

Will I stumble anyone with this post? I've never thought about it until now. I'm sorry if I have. I only hope you'll forgive me for my sudden disappearance, with no reason to give on my part. Even I have, it won't be something I'll share with others. Let it just be between myself and whatever deity is up there...and perhaps a select few who knew before.

Maybe one day...with grace, I might find my way back to the right path again.